The Package of Grace Ain’t Always Pretty
I did not want to make this picture public because I initially thought: it’s giving stripper vibes. This thought was not to shade that profession, but to raise an example of what my internal struggles look like on the inside when the outside looks like joy.
I wanted to convey the seriousness and sacredness of being a first generation PhD in my family. Swinging on a gate with a smile did not register in my mindset at that time as fierce. That’s why most of my photos don’t have me smiling. I remember Hypatia (my photographer) often saying “smile a little more.” I wanted this Blackity Black photoshoot to be fierce, honey! But what Hypatia’s grace-rooted advice to me was really saying: Black joy is fierce too.
At the age of 16, a pastor in Detroit prophesied that I am a missionary. I rejected it because I did not find that kind of ministry appealing. I was a good kid with wayward tendencies and thought being called into mission work was only for the Mother Theresa type. Again, no shade.
Now at my big age, my 16-year-old mindset was the furthest from the truth. It turns out I am a missionary…dressed in the everydayness of God’s grace. How I walk through this life, and academia in particular, is a testament of my testimony. I am not your average Christian. I am not your average academic. I am simply me.
In walking through the grace over me being me, I often hear how my authenticity inspires others to do the same. It warms my heart to hear this, but I cannot help to think how so many people do not know how hard it is for me to show up authentically. On the outside, I appear kept. On the inside, I’m often waging war within myself to stay true to who I am.
There is so much in this world that counters every aspect of yourself that you cherish. You will be tested by trials that seek to invalidate you. It’s easy to say don’t let them. It’s easy to give tips on how to block external negativity. But how do you block negativity that lives inside you?
The antidote for internalized negativity is grace. Grace looks like loving your imperfections as seeds of stories with the power to heal you from the inside out. Grace looks like healing from the apologies you haven’t given yourself because you were only taught to forgive the offenders outside of you.
Simply put, grace looks like being human. The grace over my life is rooted in the love God has for me. God’s grace over me fuels my ability to show up how I do, even though I struggle to do so. My grace walk ain’t always pretty, but it is certainly plentiful. It is with that mindset of abundant grace that I channel the hymns of my ancestors who sung “Amazing Grace.”
Regardless of where you sit on the spectrum of spirituality, your (un)belief is welcome here. I am not interested in telling you what to believe, but I can love you through your journey of self-discovery. That outward expression of love through self-discovery is only made possible by the ways I love me and the grace I extend myself. I honor the fact that I am doing the best I can with what I have. I extend grace from that space to you AND these oppressive systems of anti-Blackness that I find joy in reading for filth through my research *insert upside down smiling emoji*.
Even when it’s hard to look at myself in the mirror, facing the enemy of inner-me is vital. As my research and academic writing becomes publicized, I know that what I write comes from this place of grace. Even when the stories aren’t pretty, their wisdom and warnings are plentiful. That is where the power of grace makes manifest. This is what walking out the prophecy of being a missionary looks like. It took me a few decades wrapped in this photo to figure that out.
